Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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