So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
