woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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