listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
