I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
