My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
