I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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