The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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