I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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