I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
