I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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