Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
