im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
