we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
