i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
