I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
