I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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