i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Randomize
