Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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