She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
