I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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