We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
even my farts smell like vagina
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
