i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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