I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
