sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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