mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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