i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
