They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
