He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
