I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
