Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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