bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
