So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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