For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
