I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
