He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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