Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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