I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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