Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
