I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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