I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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