Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
