You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
