she was so not down for the gang bang
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
