Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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