then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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