You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
