thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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