Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
