You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
