She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
