ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
