listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
