I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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