Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
