A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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