I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
