omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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