I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
