so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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