I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
