I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize