I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
