Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
